THE DECISION
Your surgeon
We’ve been through so much together. Synovial fluid shots! Platelet-rich plasma shots! Stem cell shots! Your knee is a Mount Everest upon which I, your personal private-care sherpa, have driven the stakes of my reputation and littered paid invoices for my children's private-school tuition. Remember me extracting stem cells from the base of your spine while we talked about kitchen renovations? Thanks to you mine are almost done. Remember the morning I drained half a cup of fluid from your Baker's cyst? That was interesting. One visit we spent twenty minutes looking for a new injection site for corticosteroid that reminded me of my student days at the free clinic downtown. Years of memories.
But if you're fed up, I suppose we can give you a knee replacement. Here's the binder of information from the hospital. See you in six months.
Your knee
Sorry. Did my best.
Your massage therapist
Yeah, it’s a bummer. I look at it as you leaving the winding leafy trail of cartilage convergence, but I’m okay with it. I’m okay with just about everything. It’s the weed, but it’s also my philosophy that our paths in life are different. Let me say goodbye to your patella before you go.
Your family doctor
I'm going to warn you of all the reasons why you shouldn't get a knee replacement before you do it. That’s just my medical school training. When I hear the words 'knee replacement’ my brain flips to the page on complications. I know I suggested you get one four months ago, but you said you wanted to avoid it, so my brain flipped to the page on why you should. Pavlovian. Can’t help it. Like me mentioning our Enjoy Your Aging Process clinic every time you come in for a visit.
POST SURGERY
Your knee
What the hell?
Your medical team
Sit up. Get off that hospital bed. Join us for the group foxtrot in the hallway at 5 p.m. Thanks to the latest research our treatment plan involves deliberately breaking down your body’s attempt to form scar tissue in order to ensure the best long-term flexibility. THE FIRST THREE WEEKS ARE CRITICAL. You can count on us telling you you’re not doing enough, you are resting too much, you're not resting enough, take these iron pills, this codeine and you may need this laxative. You’ll thank us eventually. Buy some apples.
Your physiotherapist
Wow, that scar is impressive. Walk around for me using this walker. You look a bit like a chicken, did you know that? One of my clients is playing tennis six weeks after surgery. Another just finished the New York Marathon. I’m sure we’ll whip you into shape. You’re my poster child for physiotherapy.
Your doctor
Let me take the metal staples on your knee out with this pair of Costco scissors. Here's your prescription for extra-strength Tylenol.
Your physiotherapist
Good morning. We've devised a new exercise for you making your way through this model of Valley Forge we set up in the training room.
Your reality check
Government health care. This waiting room has in it a man with Parkinson's, a 34-year-old man with autism being comforted by his aging parents, and a schizophrenic talking to the posters on the walls. They all need knee replacements too.
I should get out more.
Your friends
I will bring cookies from the Harbord Bakery.
I will bring hot French fries from the bistro down the street.
Here's a podcast on Dolly Parton that might amuse you.
Let me put these dishes in the dishwasher. Don't get up.